Preface
Everything I’ve written represents how I feel and describes my experience in dealing with my own mental health and with thoughts I’ve had in starting my Men’s Mental Health Awareness Photo Project. I don’t know what will come of this essay. I don’t know what will come of this project. I don’t know what I don’t know and I know that much! Hopefully this will help someone else who has felt, big or small, the ripple effect of a society that doesn’t reflect the complexity of the diverse people in it.
I've spent a lot of time worrying. Worrying about what people think, worrying if I am what people want. Growing up male in an environment that values a one dimensional definition of masculinity is difficult. My experience is more positive than most and I acknowledge my privilege in this world, but I want to stress that suffering is relative. I’ve been exposed to a language surrounding mental health for as long as I can remember, as anxiety and depression run in my family. Around the time I started college, I remember telling my mother I needed to talk to someone and without question, I had a therapist available to me. I’m so thankful for this access and for the support I continue to have from family and friends. I feel the most grounded I have ever felt in my life and I have not done it alone. Regardless of the support I have been afforded, I have struggled.
Growing up in a smaller town in North Carolina, I was called “faggot" countless times, accused of being gay in the middle of crowded high school hallways, and teased for my sensitivity. Outside of my peers, a good amount of the attention on my development came from adults- wondering why I wasn’t dating more or why I didn’t care about who was playing in the Super Bowl. The truth is that growing up I thought about girls all the time. I was a hopeless romantic and a full idealist, believing the narratives pushed in shows like Dawson’s Creek and movies like A Walk To Remember. I dated in whatever way you can in middle and high school- but it was not a priority of mine. I was very preoccupied with my best friend, a girl- reinforcing my belief in the Dawson’s Creek narrative. Dating seemed to be a priority for other students though and I remember attention being paid to my “Atypical” experience. This time in anyone’s life is confusing and weird and awkward. Something that made the attention on me and specifically my developing sexuality worse was the fact that at some point, I did develop an attraction to other guys, while still being attracted to girls...confusing. This is something that in the past I have ignored, overlooked, and justified.
My entire life I have been with women- fully because I want to be- however, I have also been attracted to men. Only in my adulthood have I given myself the freedom to explore this attraction. It has been freeing. As a child, I believed this to be unnatural. I was afraid to talk to anyone about whatever this attraction was. I heard the phrase “it’s a lifestyle choice,” and thought- cool, I choose to not do this. In church, going to hell seemed pretty rough, so I told no one. I can’t tell you how relieved I felt, as an adult when I told my friends that I had a crush on a guy and they couldn’t have cared less. Two victories for me:
Allowing myself to explore my feelings without personal judgement or justification.
Confirming the openness of people, in particular the ones I’ve chosen to surround myself with.
My friends didn’t say, “figures," or “I knew you were gay.” They didn’t classify me in anyway outside of being their friend- the same person I was before I told them. They had questions for sure- I quickly informed them that I did too, but anything outside of the fact that I was interested in another guy quickly refocused on the fact that I had a crush on anyone. Along with the release I felt- there was a nervousness surrounding my ability to date a woman, should this experience become public- which now it has. I feared judgment and I feared a woman’s ability to trust my interest as sincere. I feared the same judgment from any man I might become interested in. I’ve come to realize that fearing a person’s ability to believe that- at least for right now I am simply open to whatever connection works, is to fear myself. I have no more time for fear. I don’t want anything to inhibit my ability to explore myself. The alternative is living an inauthentic life that is unproductive and will end unfulfilled.
You might be reading this as a “coming out” statement and if you feel the need to categorize it that way, cool. I’ve never felt comfortable with any orientation focused label or community and I’m not sharing this to start a conversation about sexual / gender identity. My intention with this admission is to acknowledge a very real grey area that I have fallen into most of my life, in the hopes that someone else who may have felt or currently feels isolated will feel less alone. When I was younger I felt very stuck, somewhere between the masculine and the feminine. To be clear, your sexuality doesn’t need to inform this isolation; I’m talking about a feeling of not belonging anywhere- for whatever reason. I want to discuss the pressure I felt to conform to a “normal” male experience, while acknowledging the years I’ve spent questioning my value as a member of the male gender. As a child I never felt necessarily inhibited by my interests with my family- but I did feel like those interests hit a wall. That wall was made up of anything suggesting that my sensitivity, interest in Barbie dolls, playing dress up, and art in any way threatened my development as a “healthy” male. Once I became aware of the attention being given to my “healthy” development, I didn’t feel safe enough to be open about feelings outside of the hetero norm.
There is something very wrong when a child can't be open with the people they trust the most because of a looming societal pressure to conform to a "normal" experience.
I was unable to openly ask questions about myself- even to myself, out of a fear surrounding my acceptance in society as a “man.” There has never been a time- before now, that I haven’t felt the need to justify my interests. I like what I like and that is where that discussion should end. We can’t reduce something as complex as attraction or interests to “this” or “that” classifications. A little boy playing with a doll draws more attention than a little girl playing with a Tonka truck- at least it did when I grew up. Tomboys are widely accepted and even encouraged- a term for the male equivalent does not exist.
A quick note for anyone reading this and thinking, “you just told me you like guys and you are a guy and so everyone who called you a faggot and questioned your masculinity was right to do so.” No. Curiosity is natural, but it never excuses bullying. Anyone thinking, “kids tease each other- that’s the way it is.” Yes- but it shouldn’t be. Another phrase that comes to mind is “boys will be boys.” This phrase seems innocent enough, but it is problematic nonetheless because it justifies bullying culture among men. Treating other men as less than is easy to dismiss when it is “boys being boys.”
My sexuality is a singular factor in my experience in growing up as an “A typical” male. I’ve had plenty of experiences that have left me feeling isolated, unwanted, and frankly crazy that have nothing to do with sexual fluidity. In college- I would become so frustrated and emotional that I would hit myself in the face- hard enough to feel it the next day when I smiled. I remember having a panic attack in a car with my girlfriend at the time, thankfully I was not driving and she was there to help me through it. Time management became difficult as making decisions became difficult in general. I routinely ran through countless scenarios in my head: “What if it rains?” “Will she think I look good in this sweater?” “Do I look fat?” “Am I fat?” “Is my hair too wavy?” “Are these shorts too long?” “Am I too short?” “Why don’t I have more facial hair?” “Maybe I am weird?” “Faggot.” “Why am I not the best in the class?” “Am I the best in class?” “Am full of it?””Am I shit?” “Am I lazy?” “Fuck you David- fuck off and shut the fuck up- you fucking idiot,” and now I’m running late.
I would be hearing other people’s opinions in my head, listening to them, seemingly unable to listen to myself.
When I was younger, I felt embarrassed by all of this, worrying that I was weak or simply too emotional as a guy. In college I began to experience high highs and low lows and I feared that I might be bipolar. After meeting with a school psychiatrist, I learned that while I was not bipolar, I was flirting with an anxiety disorder. We discussed medication and I decided against it as I felt strongly about working towards harnessing these strong emotions without a prescription. This is a personal choice and in no way do I condemn the use of medication in the support of mental health. I’m thankful that my experience left me with the ability to choose and I’ve worked towards what works for me. I’ve come to realize that what I had once perceived as weakness is in fact strength. I am proud of my sensitivity, it makes me a better artist and a better person. My brain moves very quickly and I’ve learned to slow things down through mindfulness, meditation, and with help from a therapist. I’m a naturally competitive and driven person and I have a tendency to chase perfection. I’m learning to not chase something that doesn’t exist; part of that is not talking to myself in a toxic way or believing that rejection or failure is a reflection of my value as a person or man. I’ve had to learn (still learning ) to manage strong emotions by observing them without fully engaging myself. It is a day to day balancing act and it takes work, but I am grateful for the ability to manage my experience.
As a younger person, dealing with speculation surrounding something I did not understand, defending something I didn't agree with, and in keeping all of that struggle a secret, I developed a repressed attitude towards myself and an unhealthy aversion to my own nature. It’s difficult to follow your natural instincts, in whatever direction, when those instincts alienate you from everyone. Loneliness and isolation shouldn’t be a consolation prize for being comfortable with yourself. My story is one example of feeling unable to express myself and in doing so having my mental health put at risk. If men are less emotional, sensitive, or dramatic, then why would men be struggling at all?
In starting this mental health awareness project, I have listened to the varied, however often similar experiences of the men who have come forward. Some of them are actors, some of them work in finance, some of them are gay, some of them are straight- all of them are men. You can belong to a fraternity, love sports, love fist bumping, and love the color pink. You can work in the arts, lose your mind over a Barbara Streisand record and love the color blue. You can put the cliche’ interests I just listed in any order and still be a man. Interests shouldn’t define your place in this world and they certainly shouldn’t hold you back from exploring yourself. You simply cannot help what interests you and those interests are not dictated by your gender.
I'm happy because I feel like most of the people reading this will agree with what I'm saying. At the same time I know that there are others who are clinging to an outdated belief system that men are one thing. I believe that some cling to traditional narratives because if we acknowledge the complexity of men- we acknowledge a truth about women - that they are equally multidimensional and unique. I think this aversion to femininity reveals a fear surrounding a loss of masculinity. Historically, women have been dismissed as emotional, irrational, and overly sensitive. Men who have been associated with these traits have been similarly dismissed. These traits relate directly to an individual, not a gender. Perhaps the reason we hear so much about strong female relationships and how special they are is because their development was essential to survival and advancement for women. If they weren’t going to be supported or understood by men, it makes sense that women would turn to each other, i.e., Women’s Suffrage and the Women’s March in Washington this past January.
To me, this fear directly correlates to an aversion to anything that threatens historical authority, be it women’s rights, equality between the races- anyone who challenges the power given to authority. My intention is not to compare the struggle surrounding men and mental health to the struggle for equality between the races or genders in a qualitative way. I do not want to oversimplify the complexity surrounding these or any of the countless issues in our world. I am no expert, I’m not pretending to be, and I fully recognize that my understanding is limited based on my inherent privilege in being a white cis male. But I believe there is a fear in our society in recognizing men as something other than powerful and it feels directly linked to the power that patriarchal majorities continue to have over any minority.
I believe that approaching differences with blind authority or fear is to ignore the value in variety- in men, women, everyone. Obviously we should celebrate diversity and clearly we don’t. I believe that complex questions surrounding the communal human experience only reinforce the argument for acceptance on an individual level. I think there needs to be space to find that acceptance. There is no space in isolation or loneliness. Loneliness breeds insecurity, which breeds fear, which breeds oppression. We need space to grow, to learn, to exist. If we have space to accept ourselves, we can make the space to accept others. Compassion, openness, and communication are the only ways to move forward.
David Goddard